


Tidings of Comfort and Joy

by Lady_of_Winterhell



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Character Death, Dark, F/M, Knifeplay, Light Bondage, Not Jisbon, Pregnancy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Ray Haffner is Red John, elements of abuse, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:55:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_Winterhell/pseuds/Lady_of_Winterhell
Summary: Please heed the tags. What do you do when you find out the man you've planned your whole life with is the serial killer you are responsible for catching?Written for Patrick Jane's Gift Exchange 2020! Prompt: Give me a dark, DARK, DARK fic about Red John and Teresa Lisbon.
Relationships: Ray Haffner/Teresa Lisbon, Teresa Lisbon/Red John | Thomas McAllister
Comments: 30
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sirenofodysseus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenofodysseus/gifts).



> It starts out like any good Lifetime movie!

Some Time Ago...

Basketball. That’s why she was here, or at least that’s what she told herself as she made out with Ray Haffner on his couch in his home. He had the NBA package, and he invited her over from time to time to watch the Bulls play. Of course, he never invited anyone else over, and lately, the game nights involved making out like horny teenagers.

It started at the CBI Holiday Party. They both had a bit much to drink. A conversation on basketball stats turned into passionate kissing in a secluded hallway with his hand up her dress and her leg snaked around his waist. Thankfully, a group of guys startled them and separated them. She hung her head as she quickly walked away from him. Otherwise, she might have gone home with him--against her better judgment. Sleeping with co-workers was always a big no in Teresa Lisbon’s book of professionalism because of the messy feelings and awkwardness that could come of a one night stand when forced to look someone in the eye the next day. 

Well, that was a month ago. Things didn’t get weird at the office. As a matter of fact, they remained much the same. Jane would do something to piss people off, and occasionally, that person would be Haffner. He continued pushing her on Jane’s involvement in CBI business, and she did her best to smooth it all over. He didn’t give an inch, and neither did she. They still put Jane-inspired office bad blood aside to have their game nights. Now, game nights just meant more than watching a game. She knew she should probably push him away and remind him of the CBI’s fraternization policies, but once their lips met, that was pretty much it. 

Though, it wasn’t like he shouldered the blame for this alone. They used to sit much further apart. These days, it was more like about an inch away from each other. He usually wrapped his arms around her shoulders as soon as they sat down. Usually, he’d test the waters with a series of chaste kisses before starting to caress her arm or stroke her hair and going for longer, deeper ones. Sometimes, it felt like he was more intent on watching her than the game. A few times, she even looked up to him just gazing at her. It would’ve been unsettling if it didn’t start a fire in her belly. 

This night was similar to the ones of the last month until it became ground zero for the affliction that would claim her soul--well, at least she’d see it that way later upon reflection. It was in the middle of the third quarter, and the Bulls were playing terribly. Ray--they were always on a first name basis on game night--leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips after her latest string of curses at the tv.

He leaned out, but he stayed about an inch away from her face, bringing his thumb to stroke her cheek. He was gazing at her again, like he did when he thought she wasn’t looking. Only this time, his piercing blue eyes bore directly into hers.

“Teresa, I want to make love to you.”

She cleared her throat. Obviously, it wasn’t the most shocking thing to hear from a man who you’ve been kissing. But her mind was dizzy as she tried to stop and think. “N-now? We’re in the middle of a game.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “We are, but the Bulls are playing like shit. I’d rather bring you pleasure than let you wallow in this misery.” She laughed out loud at that, which was obviously the reaction he wanted as he grinned like a mischievous five year old. 

“So sex with you would make me happier than this game? Maybe you should let me get through it to determine whether that’s true.”

“Fair enough, but I think we both know that you’re stalling to run through all of the reasons you should bolt, so let me help you out. No, I won’t be a jerk afterwards and make it awkward at work. I wouldn’t humiliate you like that or treat you like anything other than a colleague. Teresa, I...well, not to sound like a teenager, but I like you, I respect you, and I’m attracted to you.”

She regarded his words for a moment before he continued. “And I sense that attraction is mutual.”

Well, he had her there. After game night, her recent routine had been to let her vibrator earn its keep, recalling the feel of his hands and lips on her as she came hard. Last week, she actually screamed his name. Talk about embarrassing! If he’d been a guy she met in a bar, she wouldn’t think twice, but he was a co-worker.

“Ray, we work together.”

“I know, and like I said, I respect you. I’m not going to be awkward. If we don’t really enjoy it or we otherwise just decide it’s something we shouldn’t do again, then we’ll just leave it. No pressure, but I’m deeply attracted to you.” There was something in the way he said “I’m deeply attracted to you” that almost sounded like “I love you,” but she shook it off. She was clearly reading into things, which was a different type of disaster.

“Ok.”

“Ok? What does that mean?”

Now, it was her turn to flash him a grin. “Do you have a bed?”

He laughed before rubbing his face. “Of course, I do. You want to finish this game? Or can I improve your comfort?”

She found his lips. The kisses that were sweet and tame suddenly became passionate and erratic before he pulled back all together, jumped off the couch, and held out his hand to her. She took it, getting up and following him to his bedroom with her hand in his.

After crossing the threshold to his room, he grabbed her and turned her toward him. He leaned in, whispering into her ear. “I want you to strip for me.”

“What?” She barely got it out. It wasn’t the most bizarre thing a lover had ever requested, but she was wearing a simple tank top and jeans. It was hardly anything sexy!

His confidence faltered a bit. “You-you don’t have to. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to…”

He fell silent as she pressed her index finger to his lips. “I’m not uncomfortable! You just caught me off guard. I’ll do it.”

“Good because I’d like that.”

“I just hope you don’t have real high expectations. I can’t even guarantee I’m wearing a matching set.”

He laughed, which made her giggle a bit. “The only expectation I have is to take in the beautiful woman standing in front of me.” Well, that was definitely a confidence boost. He sat on the edge of his bed and removed his shirt as she started to undress for him. 

She was hardly an expert dancer or anything of that nature, but it didn’t stop her from doing things like swaying her hips for him or making her tits bounce. His grunts indicated he liked both as he gazed at her. When she was completely naked in front of him, her confidence started to falter a little. Instinctually, she moved her arms to cover herself, but he was over her within seconds, kissing and touching her. 

“None of that. You’re incredibly beautiful, baby. Thank you for letting me see you.”

That made her blush. “It’s possible that you’re better at the seduction game than I am.”

“I doubt that’s true. I just want to make sure you know exactly how I see you.” He chuckled a bit as he grabbed her ass cheek. 

He didn’t give her a chance to respond as he swooped her into his arms and placed her on his bed. He leaned over her, kissing her and touching her. It was almost sensory overload. She reached to undo his belt around the time his fingers found her clit. She moaned and arched her back into his touch. 

“So eager.”

“Well, you promised to put me out of my misery. You’re just making it worse.” His mouth found her left nipple and she nearly screamed.

“Patience is a virtue.”

“If you’re looking for virtue, you’re in the wrong place.” He looked up at her. There was something dark in his eyes as he smiled. It unsettled her for a moment, but she didn’t have much time to think about it. Suddenly, his head was buried between her thighs. His tongue replaced the ministrations of his fingers on her clit as his fingers started pumping in and out of her vulva. His tongue was very skilled, she’d give him that.

“Oh my God!” She shouted as her first orgasm washed over her.

“From you, Teresa, that’s the highest praise. Get up.” He positioned her on her knees before aligning himself behind her. Without warning, his dick was buried deep inside of her. She moaned in pleasure at the contact, which seemed to encourage him to thrust. He held her hips, messaging small circles in them, as he held her steady. The sensation was almost enough to send her over the edge again. It wasn’t long until his thrusts came faster and harder causing her to completely give herself over to him as she felt her second wave of pleasure wash over her. She was practically out of her mind, but she distinctly heard him whisper “Teresa,” almost like her name was a prayer.

Well, she was in trouble. The sex wasn’t good; it was fantastic. For the first time since she was a teenager, she slept at a man’s house. They fell asleep cuddling. Though, he did go out to her car and get her overnight bag for her. After she showered, she found him in the kitchen. He was already dressed for work, and he was working on breakfast. She smiled when she saw the coffee waiting for her.

“Morning.” 

“You were up early.”

“Yeah, I went for a run and got showered earlier.”

“Hmm. I may have let you join me if you had waited.” 

He raised his brows before leaning in to kiss her. “Well, if I knew that was a possibility, I definitely would’ve waited.” 

She reviewed the sports highlights while they ate. Before they left, he kissed her as he opened her car door for her. Separately, they drove to work. 

As he promised, nothing weird or awkward happened at work. That afternoon, a gorgeous bouquet of winter flowers arrived in her office with a note that read: “Thank you for the incredible evening. I hope we can do that again sometime soon. -R.”

Jane was laying on her couch trying to puzzle something out, but he hadn’t been extremely talkative today anyway. He barely registered the delivery, and he certainly didn’t ask any questions. Instead, she went to the bathroom where she pulled out her phone. She felt slightly silly at leaving her own office to send a text message, but she also didn’t want Jane asking questions or poking fun at her. Not that she wasn’t used to it by now, but she didn’t know why this time was so much different. 

She sent Ray a message. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.”

He responded almost immediately. “Not as beautiful as you.” He sent another message. “Are you hiding from Jane? I just stopped by your office, and you were out.”

“I wanted to send you a message in private is all. Did you need something from me?”

“That’s a loaded question, baby.” She smiled at that. “Nothing CBI-related. Honestly, I wanted to see the look on your face after getting your flowers. I’m a little vain like that. I also wanted to see if you might join me for a short coffee break.”

She hesitated before responding. She didn’t want to be overly obvious in sleeping with a coworker, but they’d gone for coffee a million times. It shouldn’t be a big deal, right? “Yeah, meet me by the bathrooms.”

They went up to the coffee shop on the rooftop. They ordered their coffees (and a muffin to share) before taking a seat. They chatted about different things, which was funny to her. They’d just spent an entire night and morning together, and they’d still not run out of things to talk about.

She started cleaning up their area to go back inside. “Wait, Teresa.”

“Hmm?”

He looked around them before leaning in. “I wanted to ask you if I could make you dinner tomorrow night?”

She could feel her cheeks burning. He was asking her out. She’d been to his house numerous times, but this time was a bit different. It was an invitation of an intimate nature, one that was rather explicit, and likely with the expectation of sex. Sex that was incredible and she wouldn’t mind doing again. She didn’t think it took her that long to respond, but he looked like he might jump out of his skin in anticipation of her answer.

“Sure. What can I bring?” He smiled at her response.

“Just yourself is fine.”

“Will you text me and let me know what time to come over?”

“Yeah, you can just come over whenever really.” Was he really just giving her a standing invite to his house? She might’ve thought it was just about sex if not for the glint of hopefulness in his eyes. 

“You know, I’m not used to handsome men inviting me to their houses. Careful. If the cooking is too good, I might try to move in.” He laughed, but the warmth that lingered in his features indicated her compliment landed.

“Can’t say I’m broken up you’re not getting invitations from other men. You’re always welcome at my house.” 

He was still grinning like a fool. “What is it?”

He shrugged. “I love your curls.”

“Seriously?” She unconsciously touched her hair. “That’s what happens when it air dries. Nothing special there.”

“I have to disagree. Teresa, every part of you is special to me.” She felt heat rise in her chest.

Thankfully, it was time to go back. She was so tempted to touch him, but she clasped her hands together in front of her to keep herself in check. He held the door open for her, but he usually did that anyway. They kept texting sporadically throughout the day and the next day. He even called her that night before he went to bed to talk to her. He didn’t have a real reason to call, but it was sweet.

After a particularly long day of dealing with complaints that Jane generated on their most recent case, she was mentally exhausted. She cut out of the office about an hour early.

“Oh, hey, Lisbon!” Of course, Jane caught her at the elevator. She loved the work he did, and she considered him a friend of sorts. Sometimes, he could be a real pain in the ass.

“Yes?”

“Just wanted to say those were nice flowers in your office. Hope you have a nice weekend with whoever sent them to you.”

“Nice try, but you’re not getting anything out of me.”

“It’s ok. Your mysterious lover will reveal themselves in time.”

She looked at him incredulously. She’d never poured details of her personal life out to him before. She didn’t engage in pillow talk at work. She didn’t plan on starting that now either. “Oh really?”

“You’re offended. I didn’t mean you’d gush over him or become unprofessional. Though, why you’re so worried about that is still a mystery to me. I just mean he’s someone who’s really got your attention. It’s serious. He’s going to be around a while. No man just sends hundreds of dollars worth of flowers to a woman they’re not serious about. No doubt you will eventually make introductions with this mystery man and the team.”

“Huh.” The elevator dinged. “Have a good weekend, Jane.”

“You too.” He grinned and waved to her as she got on the elevator. As insignificant as it was at the time, she’d always remember that wave as the last goodbye of sorts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still a Lifetime movie (if they could have smut)...

After going for a run to relieve some of the tension of the day, she got showered and dressed. She chose a black floral print dress she hadn’t worn in years for this even along with some strappy high heel sandals. She felt a bit silly getting this dressed up for dinner at Ray’s house as she applied her makeup, letting her hair air dry curly. For some reason, she just wanted to dress up for him.

Her fears were nearly confirmed, as he practically gawked at her when he opened the door to let her in. After a moment, he leaned down to kiss her. “Hey.”

He grinned at her, and from the look in his eyes, she could tell he was definitely checking her out. “You look amazing.”

“Thank you. Dinner smells good.”

“It’s a homemade lasagna with salad. I hope that’s ok.”

“It sounds perfect!” He handed her a glass of red wine as he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“You smell very nice. What is that?”

She laughed. “It’s probably my shampoo.”

“Hmm. And you wore your curls.”

“I did.” 

“I think it’s incredibly sexy that you dressed for me.”

“That’s an assumption, isn’t it?”

“You pulled out all of the stops to make sure I see you as a woman tonight. Makeup, hair the way that I complimented, dress, heels, hell, I bet your bra even has a wire in it.”

She met his eyes. “Is that a problem?”

“Not at all. Like I said, it’s incredibly sexy, and I appreciate the thought and time you put into getting ready for me. I just hope you know that’s how I always see my beautiful Teresa, even when you are screaming obscenities at my tv.”

“That might be one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me, Ray.” She was actually serious, but he laughed, making her smile all the same.

They ate dinner and she told him about her day. He was fascinated by how she could work with Jane. She assured him there was a method to the madness--but that she didn’t really want to talk about him tonight. Their conversation soon shifted to if she had a preference for a movie after dinner. He mentioned several romance movies, which made her smile. His attempt at curating a mood for the evening hadn’t made an assumption that she wouldn’t like a romance movie. Most of her dates seemed to think she’d hate anything stereotypically female, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Indeed, she loved romantic comedies. 

They chose a movie, but in the end, it mattered little. As soon as they were sitting on his couch and she was in his arms, they started making out. She had no idea where it came from, but she’d developed a nearly unquenchable passion for his touch. Before long, she straddled his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. She could only think of how badly she wanted him. He lifted her dress over her head, and they barely skipped a beat as he replanted his hand in her hair and drew her in. As he moved to kiss the tops of her breasts and unhook her bra, she finally croaked out a question. “Bed, please?”

He smiled up at her. “Baby, you never have to beg me.”

With a swoop, they were off the couch. On instinct, she tightened her legs around his back so she wouldn’t fall while he continued peppering kisses onto her chest. Gently, he placed her on his bed. She propped herself onto her elbows and watched him as he made quick work of getting his clothes off.

“Enjoying the show?” 

“Well, it is a nice show.” He was working on the straps of her sandals. He placed them beside his bed before climbing in bed next to her. His lips found hers immediately. He slid his hand into her panties as she turned toward him and began massaging his cock. She brought her other hand to his jaw. He gasped into her mouth.

“What? I know how to use my hands, too.” She swiped a stray hair off of his forehead.

“I never doubted that. If I didn’t think you get mad at me, I’d tear these fucking things off of you.”

She bit her lip in a grin. “Do it.”

“Yeah? You won’t get mad? I’ll buy you new ones.” She let her smile speak for itself as he tore her lace panties to shreds. He wasn’t joking about buying her new panties. A week later, she got a shipment from Victoria’s Secret with 30 pairs of panties and a note that said: “A replacement and a few extra, just in case.”

She was going to offer him oral sex, but within seconds of even having the thought, he brought her leg over his waist and slipped his cock inside of her. She yelped at the surprise entrance as he pulled her tightly against his bare chest. She completely gave in, practically letting him swallow her whole in his kisses and his back massage. She kept her hand on his jaw while she reached her other hand to where their bodies were joined. She started to stroke his balls as he roared. “Fuck! Teresa!”

He started pounding into her and she briefly wondered if another position might be better. But fuck, she didn’t care. She felt like she was coming apart at the seams. Sex had never felt this way before. “Don’t you dare stop, Ray! I mean it!”

To his credit, he didn’t stop until they were both gasping for air, completely sated, and their bodies slick with sweat. After she went to the bathroom, he pulled her back into his arms. He held her there, stroking her hair. 

“What is it? You’ve been thinking pretty loudly over there.”

He scoffed. “How would you feel about a relationship? You know, me and you. Exclusive.”

She propped herself up on one elbow. “Ray Haffner, are you asking me to go steady?”

He laughed at that. “I suppose I am. I just enjoy spending time with you, and I really want to get to know you better.”

If she was being honest, sex aside, he treated her better than practically every man she’d ever dated. And they weren’t even dating. He was kind and had a warmth about him. He also understood her. The worst thing the CBI would do is transfer one of them to another location. Honestly, she had no reason not to take a chance on a relationship with him. It’s not like she was doing anything else.

“I think I’d like that, but are you sure we have to do the exclusive thing?” His face fell slightly, but he quickly picked up on her joke when she started laughing.

“I think the exclusive thing is best for my ego. I can’t stand the thought of someone giving you something that I can’t.” There was that flash of darkness in his eyes again. Back then, she thought it was harmless. Most men didn’t like the idea of sharing, even if it was a joke.

“Don’t worry. I like being exclusive too.” She leaned down and kissed him.

“I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but I need you to know why I want to be exclusive with you.”

“Ok.”

“Teresa, I love you. I have for a long time. I know this is all fresh, but I wanted to tell you that. Like I said, I don’t mean to freak you out. I certainly don’t expect you to say it back to me right now. I just need you to know what you mean to me and why I want a relationship with you.”

Admittedly, she didn’t expect him to say it. In her experience, men weren’t always forward about their feelings. But it made sense. Even before their relationship turned sexual, he was always rather attentive to her. She needed time to think through things and explore her feelings beyond her carnal desire for him. If he was willing to give her space to do that, she could do that. 

A month into their relationship, she said it to him for the first time. It was a late Sunday morning. They were at his house, just watching a basketball game. Over the past month, she had started to suspect that his NBA package was more for her benefit than his. Or rather his benefit came from hers. He seemed to enjoy basketball, but he seemed to enjoy watching her watch basketball more. He made brunch for them, while she watched the game. They tended to mix up meals. Sometimes, she cooked for him, and others, he cooked for her. She’d been craving waffles, and to her happy surprise, that’s what he made them. He was good at anticipating her needs.

As he sat the plate down in front of her, she smiled at him, taking his hand. “I love you.”

He grinned back at her like she’d just told him he won the lottery. “I love you, too.” He lifted her hand and kissed it. “But if I knew waffles would tip the scales in my favor, you know I’d have made them for you sooner.”

“With or without the waffles, I love you. No one has ever made me feel, or treated me, the way you do.” And that was the truth. She briefly wondered if maybe he was too good for her. Looking back, it was a sad truth of sorts. 

“And that’s a real shame, Teresa. You deserve to be treated like you hung the moon, especially with how you take care of everyone around you. You make me want to be better. I’m just glad I’m the man who gets to be with you.”

“Awww, you’re already the best.” She kissed him. Again, his eyes flashed again, but briefly. 

“Why don’t we do our HR paperwork this week?”

There was paperwork that they needed to fill out as two agents involved in a romantic relationship. She’d talked him into putting it off for just a bit in case things didn’t get off the ground. He didn’t like the idea, and at first, she figured it was because of how by the book he ran things. It soon became clear that he thought it meant their relationship wasn’t serious, even as she assured him otherwise. He brought it up a few times, but she stood her ground. Usually, this kind of thing meant transfers. It would likely be hers, so she figured she should have a say.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. One of us might get moved out of Sacramento, but hopefully, not too far.”

He shook his head. “I’m not so sure. You work with Jane on the Red John case. They won’t want to move you out.” A lot hung in the air with that statement that neither particularly liked talking about. He was right. Neither of them was relocated, with the official decision stating that they were on different teams and the same rank, so there were no concerns with fraternization. 

Everything went smoothly those first few months with both Ray and at work. When they told people of their relationship, no one was truly surprised that they actually started dating. They started going to functions as a couple, and everything was fine. Ray was amazing. She tried up her game to keep pace with him, but there was no way. He anticipated her every need in a way that she didn’t realize was happening until it was much too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know when everything is going good, and then suddenly, life just comes at you fast??

Tonight, he was making dinner for their six month anniversary. Tonight, she planned to tell him she was pregnant.

Admittedly, she was incredibly freaked out and nervous. She started not feeling different a few weeks ago. She was tired and had mood swings. No big deal really. She thought it was PMS--only her period never came. 

Well, between her impending menstrual cycle and the new investigation her team was under. Last month, they picked up a robbery homicide. The perp decided that instead of cooperating with the arrest and getting an attorney like normal people do, he decided he wanted to fight her. That led to a busted up face, two broken ribs, and a broken arm. It took about a week for the swelling to completely recede in her face. The morning after the arrest, the man was found in his cell, slashed up and nearly every liter of his blood somewhere in the cell. It was a gruesome death by exsanguination, definitely a murder, and the man had suffered greatly. 

Naturally, LaRoche assumed that someone on her team might have done it in retaliation. He was all over them, taking statements and watching them like a hawk. That was even in spite of rumors that Red John was involved. As soon as Jane picked up on that particular scent, he had it like a dog with a bone—except not even he could corroborate it this time. It looked nothing like Red John, and it made little sense that he’d murder some low level thug.

Of course, most of this went down when she was in the hospital and on sick leave. Ray insisted that she stay with him for a few days so he could take care of her—and she had a sneaking suspicion he wanted that arrangement to be more permanent. They’d tossed the idea of living together around before, but neither of them took charge on it. It was much too early. In any case, between Ray and being hopped up on painkillers, she had an alibi. She hated bringing him into all of this, but he was supportive and also agitated that they suspected her or her team. 

Even with all of the work stress, she knew something wasn’t quite right. She was usually as regular as clockwork. As the days wore on, she became more anxious, beginning to question whether they’d been safe every time. Two days ago, at two weeks late, she bought a test. 

Watching the plus sign appear on the pee stick was a surreal experience. She held her head and cried in her bathroom. She honestly had no idea what this meant. They’d never talked about kids. Hell, they’d been dating for six months! Ray loved her, and she loved him--but that didn’t mean either of them wanted, or was ready for, a baby. 

She was still thinking things through, but she knew she needed to tell him. And not that she wanted to ruin his perfect dinner. Surely, it would be perfect because he was an excellent cook and had probably surmised she had a craving for chicken this evening. But he would notice when she turned down an offer of alcohol. Really, it was unfair to keep it from him. She needed to know what his thoughts on this were too.

She worked to calm her nerves on the way to his house by listening to some meditation tape Van Pelt left in her car. It didn’t really make her less stressed, but it did annoy her enough to temporarily put her mind elsewhere. She let herself in the front door. They’d exchanged keys months ago. 

“Honey, I’m here!”

“Hey, baby.” He greeted her with a kiss on the lips, while attempting to hand her a wine glass. 

She waved the glass away. She was sure it was her favorite blend, but even the smell of it turned her stomach right now.

“I’ve got the moscato if you’d prefer it. Or a beer. I just know how much you like Cabernet. It’s from that winery you turned me onto.”

Her stomach literally roiled. “Actually, do you have soda water? My stomach is a bit upset. Oh! Do you have lemon?” He nodded, eyeing her curiously. “Two, no three, slices please.”

“You’ve got it.” He kissed her lips before disappearing into the kitchen. Yeah, she’d have to tell him tonight. He knew she usually didn’t like citrus garnishes. Also, whatever he was cooking had garlic in it, and it wasn’t sitting right with her. She had no idea how she’d get through dinner just picking at her food and trying not to vomit without offending him. She was almost positive there was no way around telling him, but she also began to wonder what this meant about how far along she was. She had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to figure that out hopefully. 

She joined him in the kitchen, hoping that if she could get used to the smell, everything would be fine. “So how was your day?”

“A lot better as of five minutes ago.” He winked at her, earning him a smile. 

“I—“ she started to make a retort as he handed her her drink, but instead she felt the bile rise in her throat. She sat the glass down and pivoted just quickly enough to hit the trash can. Apparently, her theory on getting used to scents wasn’t correct. 

“Jesus, Teresa! Are you ok?” As she emptied the contents of her stomach into his kitchen trash can, he came up to hold her hair back and rub her back. “Did you eat something funky for lunch?”

She closed her eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant? Here.” He placed a chair behind her knees and guided her to sit down. “Let me get you a wet cloth.”

He wiped her face for her. It was sweet, but she almost felt like a baby. “How long?”

“I just took the test yesterday.”

“I meant, do you know how far along you are?”

She shook her head. “I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for Monday.”

“Can you put it on my calendar please? I’d like to go with you. I want to be there for everything.”

Before she could respond, she caught a whiff of the sauce cooking on the stove, her stomach roiled again, and her head was back over the trash can. He had good reflexes and immediately caught her hair. 

She lifted her head. Once again, he was wiping her face. She burst into tears. “Are you crying? Please don’t cry.”

“It’s the smell of the sauce!”

“Oh shit! You could’ve told me that. I’ll toss it! Let’s go outside and get some fresh air.”

“I’m so sorry, Ray. I didn’t mean to ruin the dinner you cooked for us.” She sobbed, and he massaged her back.

“Baby, it’s ok. Please I’m not mad. I just don’t want you to be sick. I’ll put it down the disposal. Let’s go outside, and I can order something in.”

“But you worked so hard!”

“And you will always be more important to me than any dinner.” 

“Are you sure you’re not mad? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“It's ok.” He used his thumbs to wipe the tears out of the corners of her eyes. He took her hand and led her outside with her soda water. He returned inside to dispose of the food, while she tried to calm herself. If she had any doubts about being pregnant, the last 30 minutes had cleared them up entirely. She felt like a fool for how she’d just acted. 

“Hey, are you feeling better?” 

“Yes. I’m so sorry…”

He put his hand up to silence her. “Please. Don’t be. When you’re ready to eat, just let me know what sounds good.”

“Ok.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Finally, she got back to what he had said before she threw up the second time.

“Ray, what do you think about having a baby?”

He smirked. “You’re pregnant, so we’re having one...and that makes me happy. I’m sorry I didn’t express that in the kitchen, but you know, the vomiting and all didn’t set the stage for me to say that.”

He reached for her hand, kissing it before letting their hands rest in his lap. 

“So you want to keep the baby? And raise the baby?” 

He turned his head slowly toward her, with that dark look in his eye. It lingered more heavily than it ever had up until that point. “Of course, that’s what I want. I love you, Teresa.” He spoke as though it should’ve been clear from his earlier comments.

“I just need to know how you feel. And I get it if you’re not ready for this kind of commitment. I won’t be upset if you don’t want to do this.”

“Don’t!” The roar in his voice made her recoil slightly. He’d never yelled at her before. “I’m not going anywhere! I’d never walk away from you and our child. I’m not some loser!”

“I don’t think that at all, but…”

“But nothing! Maybe you could tell me what it is you’re actually thinking instead of laying the groundwork for me to be an absentee father.”

“Ray, that’s not at all what I’m saying! I just need to know that we are on the same page.”

“For crying out loud, I told you that the thought of having a baby with you makes me happy and that I want to be there for everything. How are we not on the same page? Sometimes, I feel like you’re trying to put roadblocks up between us.”

“I’m not.”

“I want to marry you.”

“Because I’m pregnant?”

“Because I love you.” He pulled a box out of the pocket of his jeans. “I bought this three months ago. For three months, longer than that even, I’ve known that’s what I want for us: for you to be my wife. I know we’ve not been together long, but I know that I want to spend my life with you. I can see a future for us.”

He opened the box. Admittedly, the princess cut diamond ring was beautiful. It looked like something out of the magazines she read in secret sometimes. She was speechless.

“Are you asking me?”

“Would you try to give me a way out just in case I wanted one?”

“That’s not fair. I love you. You know that. I’ve shared some of the darkest things about myself with you that I’ve never shared with anyone else. How the fuck am I supposed to know how you’d react to news about a baby? We’ve never even discussed any of this, but clearly you’re very family oriented. Which is great! Because honestly, it’s what I want too. But you don’t get to treat me like shit for trying to get a grasp on what you want. I have more than myself to think about now.”

There was a long pause between them. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so harsh. My dad was a deadbeat. Not only would I never walk away from you, but I wouldn’t do that to my kid. I love you, and I’ve thought about what having a family with you would look like. I guess I’ve always known that you want a family, so when I see our future, I see that too. I just didn’t expect it right now, but we don’t always get to choose timelines.”

“I just need to know where you are on this.”

He took her face in his palm. “I’m with you. And I need you to know that I would never, ever hurt you or our baby. I know you’re trying to protect both of you, but not from me. Never.”

She kissed his palm. “I know that, Ray.”

He took her left hand in his. “So Teresa Lisbon, will you marry me?”

“Of course.” He slid the ring on her left ring finger. She admired the ring on her hand for a moment. She’d never been too swept up into that stuff, but it was a damn gorgeous ring. He kneeled in front of her and kissed her lips, which made her recoil.

“What?”

“I just threw up.”

He laughed. “Fair enough. Maybe later. A man might like certain reassurances that his woman is happy with the ring he got her.”

“You will get your reassurances. It looks really nice. It almost looks real.”

He knitted his eyebrows. “Teresa, it is real. It’s 24 karat white gold with a 2 karat diamond inset. I had heart shaped emeralds placed around the diamond because they remind me of your eyes.”

She blinked rapidly. “Ray, that sounds expensive.”

He shrugged. “That’s for me to worry about.”

“I—I can’t wear this at work. I’m going to need my hand insured.”

He laughed at that. “I’m glad you like it, and I’m going to have to insist you wear it at all times.”

That night, after he ordered her the fried chicken she decided she wanted to eat, they cuddled in his bed, planting chaste kisses on each other. He clearly wanted to have sex, but he wasn’t sure if they would hurt the baby. Despite her assurances, it made him nervous to the point that he wouldn’t touch her below her chest. As frustrating as it was, she couldn’t be mad at him for caring. She made a mental note to get the doctor to cover that on Monday. 

She awoke early the next morning. Even though it was Saturday morning, Jane decided he had to call her to read her in on his latest Red John discovery.

“Red John’s apprentice killed Walkins.”

“An apprentice? Jane, what indicators do you have?”

“It was a good kill but a sloppy one. It has the efficiency of Red John but no decorations. Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Red John didn’t do it? Why would he kill some random guy in lock up?”

“I think when we figure that out, we might unlock who Red John is.”

“Jane, this isn’t a damn video game. He’s a serial killer. All we are going to find is more twisted clues and some dead patsy most likely.”

“You seem chipper this morning.”

“It’s 8:00 on a Saturday!”

There was a pause. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have called so early, but I was wondering if you might want to chase down some leads today.”

“It’s still a Saturday. Even Red John has to take a weekend off, right?” She caught a glimpse of Ray’s smile as he set a mug of coffee in front of her. Surely, she’d have to give this up soon, too. She did not look forward to that.

“Come on, Lisbon! Where’s that go get them attitude? Besides, the sooner we do this, the sooner we clear the team.”

She sighed. “Jane, I want the team cleared. I don’t know anyone capable of bleeding a man to death. I just don’t feel like chasing down leads today. Call Cho. I’ll sign his overtime slip.”

“Seriously? We’ve been working on this case for years and suddenly you don’t want to try to solve it, especially when it means saving your team?”

“No!” She screamed into the phone, startling Ray just a bit. “Suddenly, I’m pregnant and would like to sleep on Saturday morning!”

His voice lost its inflection. “Oh...Lisbon, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

She put her head into her hand. “No, it’s ok. I just told Ray. I would like the day off, ok?”

“No problem. I’ll call Cho.”

“Just stay out of trouble. I’ll see you on Monday.”

With that she hung up. Ray was just shaking his head. “You know, you tell him too much.”

“I tell him too much? I’m growing a human, which sooner or later will be noticeable and will make me office bound.”

“My vote is sooner.”

She sighed. “We are partners.”

“He’s not your partner. More like a pet you got stuck watching.”

She glared at him. “I don’t want to fight about Jane. I know you two have your reasons for not getting along.”

He just huffed. “And what’s his big theory now?”

“He thinks a sloppy apprentice killed Walkins in lock up.”

He guffawed. “A sloppy apprentice? A sloppy apprentice sliced that putrid loser from wrist to elbow along his radial artery with perfect precision?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. They’d never been able to ascertain which of his wounds led to the blood loss. He called the man putrid. She’d described her assault to him in parts, but she’d never described his stench. And she was high on painkillers. How would she have known if Ray slipped out?

“Teresa? You were saying?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teresa and Ray...have a talk...

“Teresa? You were saying?”

She schooled her face, hoping he hadn’t picked up any changes in her demeanor. “I was saying that I’m thinking I’ll join Jane today. I’m sure my field time is dwindling, and we’ve not done much recently. Yeah, I’ll go get dressed and join him.”

She picked up her phone, planning to send a message for Jane to come over immediately. Suddenly, Ray grabbed the phone out of her hands. “What?”

He shook her phone on the air, while laughing darkly. “What was it?”

She blinked. “What was what? What Jane said to convince me to come out? I think he made a good case for tracking leads today while they’re fresh.”

“Don’t. You’re a terrible liar. What did I say?”

She shrugged. “I really don’t know? You’d prefer that I start desk duty sooner rather than later.”

“I did say that. Now, you’re being cute.”

“Whatever. I’m going to get dressed.” She kissed his cheek. Hopefully, she could swipe her keys and make it to the front door before he realized. She just needed to remain calm and put space between them. After all, maybe this was nothing and she was overthinking things. Though, when he swiped her phone, that didn’t seem like nothing.

He grabbed her forearm, jerking her back toward him. “No.”

“No? What are you jealous of me going to chase leads with Jane? I’ll be back in a bit. I promise.”

“First of all, I am not jealous of that pathetic loser. Second, I’m not stupid. We need to talk. Sit down.”

She’d try a different approach. “I really don’t like your tone right now, Ray. Your fiancé or not, I still decide where I go and when.”

He nodded. “And generally, I agree with that. But we need to talk. I will say that you’ve done well trying to diffuse this situation and put space between us, trying several tactics to get to a safe space to get backup.”

She blinked. Was he just going to confess? Dread set in because if so, that didn’t bode well for her. She could plead for mercy, but she wouldn’t lower herself to that. “Can I at least get dressed?”

He knitted his eyebrows. “You don’t need to get dressed to talk.”

She averted her eyes. “I’d rather die in my clothes if it’s all the same to you.”

He cackled. “What?” 

“I don’t want my naked body found in an alley or wherever. I’d like the dignity of dying in clothes.”

“Teresa, I just want to talk to you. Why would you think that I want to kill you?”

“I don’t know? Maybe because you got a little over talkative and you just got really weird? I’m not stupid. We both know you’re Red John’s apprentice and that you killed this Walkins guy. Or you were there. We also both know what that means. You kill me so I don’t talk, or your boss comes and kills both of us.”

He doubled over in laughter. He was still holding her by her arm, so she took the chance to break free, but he only tightened his grip.

“I’m sorry. You’re totally off base here.”

“Really? You started acting strange, you won’t give me my cell phone, or let me leave. What am I supposed to think besides you’re detaining me for some purpose that may not have good results for me?”

“Sit down. Please.” He pocketed her phone as he guided her to a chair. “Would you like your coffee reheated?”

She looked at him in confusion. She nodded. Maybe in the time it took for him to reach the microwave she could bolt. She didn’t need her car. She could make a run for it on foot. She tried her luck, but he had his arms around her in no time. 

“Let me go!”

“Teresa, I asked you to sit down. I don’t want to have to restrain you, but I will if I have to.”

“I’m not going to sit here and wait for you to kill me.”

“Is that what this is about? Look at me.” He turned her to face him. “Look at me! I’m not going to kill you. I just need you to sit down so we can talk calmly.”

“If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather be somewhere a little more neutral to talk with a few friends around right now.”

She tried to break free again. “Stop. Stop! I’m not going to hurt you or the baby. I promise. I’ll explain everything, but I need you to calm down. Please, baby. Just calm down.” He drew her into his chest. It was futile to keep twisting and turning, but as much as she knew she wouldn’t beg for mercy, she wouldn’t give up fighting.

“Teresa, please. You know me. I won’t hurt you. I’ll answer all of your questions, but I can’t let you walk out of that door half cocked.”

She stilled in his arms. “I thought I knew you.”

“You do. Now, do I need restraints? I’d prefer not to. I just want to talk. Like I said, I’ll answer all of your questions.”

She pulled back, and he released her. She crossed her arms over her chest. “So talk.” 

“I think we should sit.”

“Standing, sitting, what difference does it make?”

“Do you know why I laughed in the kitchen?”

“No, but I also don’t understand why people commit murder either.”

He grinned. “I can help you with that if you’re ever interested.”

She shrugged. “So why did you laugh? Why does it matter?” 

“I did kill that Walkins guy, but I’m not Red John’s sloppy apprentice. Frankly, it’s an insult.”

She felt lightheaded. Not even 12 hours ago, she was planning a future with him. Now, he confessed that he’d murdered someone in cold blood.

“Teresa, you look pale. I really want you to sit down.” He pulled her toward his couch. He sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She was a bit too stunned to move away from him. She could feel his eyes on her.

“If you’re not an apprentice, why did you kill him? Why make it look like possibly Red John? You do know that he hates mimicry in any form, right?”

He smiled as though he took great pride in her words. “That’s right.”

Her eyes went wide as it clicked. He kept stressing “sloppy apprentice.” That’s what made him angry. Her mouth went dry. “You’re...him. You’re Red John.”

“Yes.”

“Oh my God!” If her legs weren’t so weak, she would’ve jumped up from the couch. “How?”

“That’s a very broad question. I killed Walkins with my own hand.”

“No smiley face. It didn’t look anything like any other of...your crime scenes. Why?”

He looked at her with the same softness in his eyes that he did before telling her that he loved her. She knew. “It was the first time I ever killed out of love. It was a much more emotional kill for me than usual.”

She sank into the couch. “I didn’t need you to kill anyone for me. I never asked...I would never ask for that.”

“I know, but I saw you busted up and bruised. That sorry piece of shit thought he could wail on you, probably because you’re small. I know you’re tough as nails and can take care of yourself, but seeing you like that did something to me. I saw red, and then, his cell was red all over.” He laughed as she gasped. “I’m sorry. Just a little humor.”

She tried to inch away from him, but he kept his hold on her shoulders tight.

“It’s ok, Teresa. You’re safe. Like I told you before, you never have to protect yourself or our little peanut from me.”

“Right, but that was before you told me you’re a serial killer. You can see how that changes things, right?”

“Actually, no. It doesn’t change a thing.”

“Seriously? Because I can’t even look you in the eye right now. You slaughtered a human being—well, more than one—and you sit here making jokes.”

She felt him tense up. “I don’t expect you to be happy about what I did. I know it’s not your thing. You probably prayed for the poor bastard’s soul. But it’s something I had to do. He hurt someone I love.”

“You had to commit murder?” He shrugged. “Like when you killed Angela and Charlotte Jane? Did you have to kill them?”

“I guess not, but Jane—so we share a similar skillset. Seeing his smug charlatan’s grin on TV set me off. But that’s also why I couldn't let you run out of here half cocked.”

“Oh, I thought that was so I wouldn’t tell people that you killed Walkins, but please. Continue.”

“You told him you’re pregnant. He thinks like me. You run out of here and tell him that it’s me, and what do you think he’ll do?”

“He’s not a murderer!”

“How many times has he told you he’d do anything to catch Red John? He wants to hurt me. Hurting my wife and child would be the best way to do that, and it’s poetic even, don’t you think?”

He called her his wife. “He wouldn’t.”

“He absolutely would. You think he’d stop and listen to you explain how you didn’t know I was Red John? You think he’d care? It wouldn’t be about you. It’s never been about you. He’d just as soon as add you to the body count to achieve his goals. I know he told you a sad story, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And that’s because you have a good heart.”

“I’m in the business of helping people. I thought that was a common goal we shared, but I guess I was wrong. You called me your wife.”

“Well, fiancé. Same difference.”

“I can’t marry you, Ray.”

“We’re engaged.”

“Sure. About 12 hours ago, but today, I’m learning life really comes at you fast.”

She started sliding the ring off of her finger, and he grabbed her hand to stop her. “Don’t. Like I said, this changes nothing between us.”

“You sought me out because I was lead on this case, right? You probably got a good laugh out of how pathetic I am. And boy, some of the things I told you! God, probably sex even. Did you get a good laugh out of that? Tell your pals what a slut I am?”

“You know that’s not true, and I don’t want you to talk about yourself that way. I don’t like it. I’ve always been honest with you. You’re trying to put distance between us. Teresa, I love you. I’ve been attracted to you since we met in training. When you started to show interest in me, I asked you out. Honestly, you surprised me.”

“I surprised YOU?”

He grinned. “For the same reason you’re probably convinced that I don’t really love you. I never thought I was capable of love or being loved. When you actually wanted to spend time with me, it surprised me. As our relationship reached new levels naturally, it surprised me. The truth is I didn’t use schemes or mind control or anything fancy. You fell in love with me the same as I did with you. Sure. You didn’t sign up for the Red John part. I get that. But that’s not who I am. Just a part of me…a hobby, if you will. You’ve been with me, not Red John. That’s why nothing has to change.”

“No, I didn’t sign up for that, Ray. You think it’s something you turn off and on. You do understand it’s my job to arrest you, right?”

He laughed. “Ok, then try to arrest me. Maybe ask me some of the questions you have first. Like how did I get into lock up? How did no one hear a thing? How have I been able to move around undetected? I promise you, and I don’t want to offend you because you’re great at your job, that you know nothing. Here, I’ll throw you a free one. I don’t have an apprentice. I have a network of friends that help me out whenever I need their help.”

She nodded. “Right. That’s not news. We know that you move around.”

“Cops. My network of friends are cops. Even some you know, in fact. There are a lot of cops with skeletons in their closets: addictions, bodies, and different things like that. I help them at a second, and sometimes, third chance. So when you’re thinking about your duty to arrest me, think about who you can even trust with something like that...then think about what can persuade them not to do that because I can persuade them one way or another.”

She just stared at him. She wasn’t sure if he was trying to sow distrust or if he was being honest, but she could scarcely believe this was the man she fell in love with.

“You don’t believe me? Think about how Walkins was possible. I really hate to bring up a sore subject, but your old friend Sam Bosco? Who do you think slipped Rebecca her death?”

She chuckled a bit at the memory of Sam. “What is it?”

“Well, Sam used to tell me I had shitty taste in men. If he were here, surely he’d see the irony in this.” He exhaled sharply. “What? A man says pretty words to me, and I fall deeply in love without thinking about anything. All the while, I’m making life plans with a serial killer. Maybe I should’ve listened to his advice a little better. Wouldn’t be in this spot right now.”

“I’d prefer if you didn’t call me that. It’s your way to try to dehumanize me and detach from our relationship.”

“Dehumanize you? Detach from our relationship? Ray, you’re not hearing me. I can’t do this. Baby or not. I can’t. Frankly, catching you can be someone else’s problem. I want to take my baby and run as far from here as I possibly can.”

He responded so softly that she would’ve missed his words had she not been so close to him. “Our baby.”

Silence hung in the air for a bit before he spoke again. “I knew you wouldn’t take this well when you found out, and that’s ok. It’s a bit much to take in. In a marriage, we don’t have to agree on everything. Like I said, I love you and I have no plans now or ever to hurt you. But there are some things I want you to consider. You saw the photos from the Walkins murder. That was me running high on pure emotions. What do you think I’ll do if you leave me? Who do you think I’ll get? Jane? One of your team? All of your team? The way I see it: the most dangerous thing you can do is run. The second most dangerous thing you can do is go to Jane.”

“You’re threatening me.”

“No. I’m just being honest. You appreciate honesty, so I’m giving it to you. I want you here with me. I can’t let you leave me. You’re my entire world, and last night, you told me that our world is bigger now. I’d be miserable without you. Just hearing you talking about running to protect our little peanut from me breaks my heart. I know you probably think I don’t have feelings, but I can assure you that I feel a lot of things especially where you are concerned. You fell in love with me...ME! I am the same man that I’ve always been and will always be, Teresa. I hope that you choose love like I did and embrace a life of happiness with me. You chose me before. That doesn’t have to change, and I really hope that it doesn’t because I mean it. I can’t let you leave. I’m prepared to use whatever means I must to get that point across to you, but everything we’ve had has always been light. I don’t think it has to turn to darkness because I know you love me, too.”

He kissed the side of her head as she remained quiet.

“What are you and the peanut craving for breakfast?”

“I don’t think I have an appetite right now.”

“How about waffles?”

“If I don’t eat waffles, will you kill all of my friends?”

“Don’t you think that’s a little over dramatic? At worst, I will just eat your waffles.”

“Not over dramatic. Just seeing what the parameters are of me not doing what you tell me and you killing everyone I care about. I wouldn’t want to overstep the bounds.”

“Teresa, I’m not telling you what to do. In fact, I want you to keep living as you always have. You can forget this conversation. It has no bearing in your daily life. If you really want to, I can hypnotize you and block the memory. I don’t like that option because there’s always risk, but if it will make you happy, I’ll do it. I just want our family, and I want you to be happy. Red John has never been at the center of your life, so why put him there now?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you start to see things from someone else's point of view?

She stayed with him through Sunday afternoon as they initially planned. Ray called it their “anniversary weekend celebration.” After learning he was Red John, that threw a wrench into their plans. They ended up watching movies together. He continued to ask her how she was feeling and if she had questions for him. From the tenor of his questions, you’d think he gave a lecture on something as mundane as a book--not revealed himself to be the serial killer she was responsible for catching. 

When they went to bed on Saturday night, she tried to stay to her side. From the few kisses on the couch that he initiated without reciprocation from her, he knew that kissing her wouldn’t go anywhere. That didn’t stop him from pulling her into him. The first time she moved back to her side of the bed.

“Baby, you know I sleep best with you.”

“You are sleeping with me.”

He brushed the hair from her shoulder and placed a kiss there. “You know that’s not what I mean. I hate that I’ve upset you, but now, you know the truth. I just don’t want to go to sleep this way. Please let me hold you.” His voice was as sweet as always. She rolled over into his arms in the center of his bed.

“You know, it’s just funny how different this weekend turned out than I expected.”

“How so?”

“I thought the big thing of the weekend would be me asking you to move in with me.”

She scoffed. “That might be the one thing you didn’t actually ask me to do this weekend.”

“Fair enough, but I thought that was kind of wrapped into the engagement.”

“You never mentioned it...or the other thing, so I guess it’s ok. I’m learning that you don’t communicate a lot of the things that you’re doing or thinking.”

“When a man asks you to marry him, he probably wants to live with you. And I had no reason to tell you about my...hobby.”

“Were you ever planning on telling me?”

“Honestly, no.”

“Really?”

He shook his head. “There was no reason for me to tell you. Besides, there is such a thing as plausible deniability, which you still have for the most part. You don’t know what you don’t know.”

“Unless it’s your job to know.”

“It might be your job to know, but things are well swept under the rug for a reason. You ever wonder why Bertram entertains the hunt for Red John?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do?”

“Hell, me and Gale go way back. He does it to keep an eye on the situation.”

“You’re telling me the Director of the CBI is in on this? Yeah right!”

“Remember when we did our HR paperwork and neither one of us got transferred per CBI policy, and instead, we got a special exemption that didn’t exist anywhere in the rules?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I just called in a personal favor.”

“Huh. I must seem like a real idiot to you sometimes.”

“No, and I meant what I said earlier: I don’t like when you put yourself down. I wish you could see yourself from my point of view. I really do. You'd be in awe of what you see. And you’ve seen what I wanted you to see. You may know my identity now, but I am not suddenly going to throw all of it in your face. It doesn’t even need to factor into our relationship.”

“You were seriously never going to tell me?”

He sighed. “I know it’s a big deal. Every time you moved away from my touch today, it hurt me. This weekend was meant to be a celebration of our love. It started out that way, but I was so careless this morning, and I ruined our weekend. I want honesty with you, but not at this price.”

His eyes were soft once more. She felt a slight pain in her chest at his most recent confession. For the first time, she recognized this was complicated. He’d always been so loving and attentive, and of course, him being Red John definitely outweighed his affection for her. But did that mean she had to hurt him? What about the bond they shared? “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

He brought his hand to her jaw, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “No, you don’t have to apologize to me. Not for this.”

She kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight, Ray.”

On Sunday afternoon, she left to go home. Things were obviously strained between them--on her part. 

He walked her to her car and planted a kiss on her lips before opening her door. “I love you, baby. And you too, peanut.” He placed his hand on her abdomen.

She wasn’t sure how to respond. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Ok. Oh! I’ll pick you up for work at 8:15. How does that sound?”

She blinked for a moment. “Why? I’m perfectly capable of driving to work. My car works just fine.”

“We have an appointment tomorrow. It makes more sense for us to take one car that way we can just leave from the office.”

Shit. The doctor’s appointment. She was still trying to work through things, and she didn’t really want him at the appointment right now. She wished she hadn’t said anything, but he didn’t have any of the details.

“Oh, you really don’t need to worry about that! It’s just a check in, and I can let you know what I find out.”

He pursed his lips. “You can let me know what you find out?”

She nodded. “It’s just bloodwork and stuff. If there’s anything you need to know, I’ll be sure to tell you!”

“Yeah, so I’ll pick you up at 8:15.”

“I don’t need you to drive me around.”

“And I don’t need you to share information that you think I need to know with me. I told you I want to be there for everything. I’m a parent, too, and I get the impression that you’re trying to exclude me.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong about that. Her feelings remained complicated toward him, and he literally couldn’t see how finding out he was Red John would complicate things. She decided not to press the issue anymore. “Fine.”

She kissed his cheek before getting in the car and driving away. Almost as soon as she got home, she took off the engagement ring that he gave her and sat it on her dresser. All evening she grappled with the idea of calling Jane and telling him what she learned. She dialed his number a few times, but she always stopped short of pressing send. Deep down, she knew that part of what Ray told her was whatever she needed to hear not to report him. She just had a hard time figuring out which part. Jane would be able to work through it, but would he turn on her and harm her baby? She could trust him, right? But then again, she trusted Ray and that turned out to be a serious error in judgment. She fell into a restless sleep without calling Jane. 

The next morning, she woke up earlier than normal and left her house by 7 for work. She texted Ray a made up excuse about having to be at the office early. He didn’t know the appointment details, so she would just leave her office when it was time. All morning long, he sent her messages. He asked how she was feeling, to take her for coffee, to take her for lunch--he even sent her a few funny posts he’d seen online. She didn’t respond to any of them, but she did catch Jane’s glare from her couch every time her phone lit up. At noon a bouquet of flowers arrived in her office, followed by more texts from Ray. Eventually, she’d have to respond to him, but honestly, she felt overwhelmed.

Somewhere around the fifth message to arrive post-flowers, Jane sat up from his spot on the couch. “You should respond to him. At least let him know you like the flowers he’s sent you.”

“What?”

“You’re avoiding Ray.”

“It’s a personal matter. I really don’t want to discuss it.”

“Well, your personal matter is disrupting my thinking time.”

“There’s a couch in the bullpen that’s just as good as this one.”

“I can assure you that it’s not. You’re deflecting. What did he do?”

For starters, he killed your wife and daughter. It was that easy. She could just tell him, and it would be out in the open. Yet, she hesitated. “Seriously, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, I know he didn’t cheat. He worships the ground you walk on. He doesn’t even have a wandering eye! He didn’t take the news well, did he?”

“Hmm?”

“He didn’t react well when you told him you’re pregnant.”

“Jane, I don’t want to talk about that right now. It’s a personal matter, and I’d appreciate some discretion on the issue of my pregnancy.”

He sighed. “Listen, I’ve been there. On his side of things. I was surprised when Angela told me she was pregnant. I loved her, but a baby? I didn’t know how to raise a baby, and I’d never thought it was something I would even want to do. I didn’t take it well, and I upset her. She didn’t talk to me for almost a week. I told her I’d try, but it was the first sonogram that got me. When I saw the little blotch on the screen, it hit me how serious it all was and how little I knew about the world. I just knew I wanted to be there for my wife and kid. And the first time I held her...well, there’s a reason I want Red John so bad. He took that precious little girl from me. I know Ray loves you because he looks at you the way I looked at Angela.”

There was a heavy silence in the air. She watched a silent tear fall down his cheek as he quickly wiped it away.

“If he didn’t take it well at first, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be there. He’s trying to apologize right now. Hear him out. No man deserves to be separated from the ones he loves.”

“Do you really believe that?”

He looked at her with an intensity in his eyes. “I do. Life is short, and you never know what’s going to happen. Was your fight over this?” He waved his hand, motioning around her office. “You should embrace your family. This...none of this matters. I’m here because I have nowhere else to go and no other purpose than finding the man who took mine. One day, I will get my hands on him, and I will take from him the same way he took from me. But that’s not your priority anymore.”

Her stomach curdled at the way he said he’d “take from him the same way he took from me.” What did that mean? Ray telling her the second most dangerous thing she could do was to tell Jane lingered in her mind. He was right. Jane knew that striking at her and the baby would damage Ray--in the exact same way that he’d hurt Jane in fact--and he would do it if it meant getting his peace of mind back.

She forced a smile to her face. “Thanks, Jane. It’s actually very helpful to see things from his perspective.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby's first photo!

Around 3pm, she left the office to head out to her doctor’s appointment. She still hadn’t responded to Ray’s messages. While she was clear on not being able to talk to Jane about any of this, she was still unclear on how to approach this situation with Ray. She meant what she said yesterday. She planned to call him tonight and tell him everything about the appointment. She knew he would be hurt, and she didn’t want to hurt him. At this point, she didn’t even care about herself. She needed to think about what was best for the baby.

As she entered the waiting room of the doctor’s office, her eyes went wide as she saw Ray sitting in the waiting room. He waved at her. It knocked her off kilter so much so that the woman checking her in stopped to ask if she was ok. After exchanging her information and getting her paperwork, he smiled as she slowly took her seat next to him. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I’m sure you didn’t. In fact, you did almost everything you could to make sure I wouldn’t be here.”

“Yet, you’re still here. I planned to call you this evening.”

“That’s not the same as being here.”

“So how are you here? How did you even know where and when here is?”

He leaned in closer. “I mirrored your phone.”

“You mirr--what the fuck?” If she weren’t in a very public, very family friendly doctor’s office, she would have been in full blown rage.

“Teresa, you’re my responsibility.”

“Cute. How very 1950s of you!”

“That’s not how I meant it. I needed to make sure that I could protect you if you decided to tell Jane. I know you’re still working through it and trying to determine if you can trust me, but I promise you the equilibrium has changed. You're used to whatever imagined ideal you have of me being your boogeyman. Your trust in him has always been misplaced, and now, it’s dangerous.”

She rubbed her forehead. Instead of arguing with him, she just decided to fill out her paperwork. He got his way. He was here now.

“Any genetic disorders or illnesses in your family? Sociopathy isn’t listed.”

He chuckled a bit. “No, I have a clean bill of health--not even a single mental illness as some might suggest.”

The nurse called them back to the exam room. She almost asked him to stay in the reception area, but what was the point? He’d insist on coming back with her. Though, the nurse must’ve caught onto her hesitation. When they got to their room, she directed Ray to a chair along the wall and handed Teresa “additional paperwork” to fill out. She immediately identified the paperwork as a family violence questionnaire. Her reaction to Ray in the waiting room and her hesitation to have him back with her probably tipped them off. That’s why she separated them. She handed the clipboard back to the nurse who had stayed planted in that spot for her to fill out the paperwork. “I think I already filled these out.”

“Are you sure? It never hurts to have a back up. Nothing bad can happen from having too much paperwork--or even having two sets of eyes for it.” The nurse was trying to reassure her that she had support to fill out these papers--but she knew that was far from the truth for many reasons.

“I’m positive.” She saw Ray looking at her in curiosity as the woman left the room and instructed her to put on a gown.

“What was that all about? Do you need me to fill something out?”

She grinned. “No, they’re just concerned that you might be beating the hell out of me.”

His eyes were wide. “Oh. Why would they give you that?”

She got into her gown. “Did you pay attention to none of your training? Of course, you probably just tuned out special issues concerning women like all good boy cops do. They’re trained to spot domestic abuse and provide support to women in danger, especially in a practice like this that caters to particularly vulnerable women. She’ll probably call me in a few days to follow up.” 

He frowned. “I’ve never hit you, and I never will.”

She shrugged her shoulders as she hopped up onto the table. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll tell her the same thing in a few days. I’d just as soon take whatever you dish out than put anyone else in danger.”

“Then, why did you take your ring off? I need you to hear me. I’m not dishing anything out. Teresa, I won’t hurt you or our child. Ever. I need you to believe that, even if you don’t believe anything else.”

She found something interesting to stare at on her toes. He had never hurt her. That was true. She’d been with men who hit her, men who lied and cheated and made her feel absolutely worthless. He’d never done any of that. Even their day on Saturday paled in comparison to the shit other men had tried to pull on her. Once again, it gnawed at her that perhaps she was being unfair to him. Though, he had proposed an interesting hypothetical about what could happen if she left him. 

Thankfully, the doctor was with her shortly after. “Good afternoon, Miss Lisbon. I’m Dr. Singer. And who do we have with us today?”

She hesitated for a moment, but Ray jumped in. “I’m Ray Haffner. I’m her fiance and the dad.”

“Well, congratulations is in order for both of you then. I have confirmed you’re pregnant.” Ray’s face lit up like a five year old on Christmas morning. As he had indicated all weekend, he was excited for the baby. “I just have a few questions that we ask our patients on an individual basis.”

Her implication was clear to both of them. She wanted Ray out of the room, and his face fell at that. He didn’t like that they might suspect him of being abusive, and really, it was her reaction that set off the alarm. Letting people think that he hurt her wasn’t fair to him. “Dr. Singer, it’s fine. We had an argument. He’s not abusive, and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable here. He can hear whatever I have to say. I’m not afraid to answer questions in front of him.”

The other woman nodded and started asking her a series of questions. They worked out she was about 8 or 9 weeks along. “Since you’re this far along, we can do the sonogram today if you’d like and take a peek at the little one.”

She smiled and saw Ray was also smiling. “I’d like that please.”

“Ok. Sit tight, and we will have someone in to do that shortly.”

They brought in the equipment and prepped her. Within minutes, she was staring at the screen hoping she’d see the baby for the first time. Ray had come around to the side of the bed so that he could see the screen.

“There we go!” The tech in the pink scrubs practically screamed, but she didn’t know what she was meant to be looking at. “The baby is right there.” 

She pointed up at the screen, and the sight almost took her breath away. Of course, it was still just a tiny little blob on the screen, but that was their baby. She was overcome with emotion as she reached for his hand. He squeezed her hand in return as he kissed the top of her head. 

“I’ll get you guys a few snapshots printed up.”

“Thank you.” She was crying again. She hoped this was something that would pass.

“It’s not a problem. I’ll leave you two here.”

He spoke first. “Huh. So that’s our peanut.”

She smiled. She had no idea why he was so attached to that nickname, but it was adorable whenever he said it. “I suppose so.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For clearing the air. People assume a lot of things about me, Teresa. Me, hurting you, is not one of the things I want anyone to ever assume about me.”

She squeezed his hand and grasped his jaw in her other hand. “I know. I’m sorry.”

She looked into his eyes as she held his face in her hand. She couldn’t walk away from him even if she wanted. And the thing was: she didn’t want to walk away; she wanted him with her mind, body, and soul. Knowing what he’d done and what he was capable of, she should have wanted to be far from him. She should be trying to put him in a prison cell. But he was right. Red John had never been the center of her life in any way. The center of her life was now their baby, the one that they both loved so much already. He wanted to be on this journey with her, and she wanted to be on this journey with him. She didn’t care what he’d done or what he might do. Without a doubt, she still loved the man before her. They were a family and family mattered more than anything else.

“I love you, Ray.”

Her fate sealed, she leaned in and kissed her fiance.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teresa and Ray do a little exercise in trust bonding. Exercise extreme caution when reading this chapter. Please see the tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves knifeplay (the use of knives in bondage/BDSM play). I would like to point out that this is NOT written in a way that some in the BDSM community find appropriate especially in terms of consent. That's on purpose, so please read the tags.

After they got the sonogram photos, they left the doctor’s office. He followed her home. As soon as he closed the door behind them, his mouth found hers and he kissed her like he was practically trying to devour her. 

He broke their kiss. “Where’s your ring?”

“On my dresser.” 

He took her hand and led them to her bedroom. He saw the diamond ring lying on the dresser and picked up. He turned and kneeled before her.

“Teresa, I know I’ve already done this, but I need to do it again. You’re my entire world. I know you’ve learned something surprising about me, and I want you to know that it doesn’t affect us or the way that I feel for you. I love you, and I want you. I want our baby. I want to be a family. Will you marry me?”

“Nothing would make me happier than to become your wife, Ray. I love you, and I want to marry you, too.”

Once again, he slipped the diamond ring on her finger. This time, she refused to take it off. They kissed again, and they started to lose clothing. Before she knew it, they were in bed. He kissed and bit at her collarbone as she rubbed her hands along the length of his chest. She used her momentum to push him back onto the bed, startling him a bit. She climbed on top of him and continued to kiss him. He brought his hand down hard on her ass.

“Harder please.” He slapped her ass again. It was almost too much for her, but she still needed more. She deserved more. “Harder.”

This time, he barely tapped her ass. “No. Not yet.”

“Please, Ray. Harder.”

“If I give you what you want, you won’t be able to sit on your pretty ass tomorrow. Is that what you want? To think of me every time you try to sit down?”

“I want you to punish me.” He snaked his hand into her hair to support her head--or so she thought until he suddenly pulled her by her hair and yanked her back. She let out a yelp at the sudden action.

He was in her ear. “You want me to punish you?”

“Yes.”

“What do you want me to punish you for?”

“For hurting you. Isn’t that why you wanted to spank me? To make me hurt the way I made you hurt.” 

Darkness flashed in his eyes. “What are you willing to let me do?”

She looked at him. “Whatever you want. I trust you.”

He smiled. “Ok, go choose restraints for me.”

She brought him some scarves that he used to tie her wrists to the bedpost. “I should tell you before this next part that once I start I won’t stop until I’m done. So the consent you give me now lasts until I’m finished.”

Some nervousness set in. She let him restrain her already, and she didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do. She giggled. “I don’t think that’s how consent works.”

“It’s how it works in this game.”

“Are you going to tell me what I’m consenting to?”

“You’re consenting to letting me punish you.”

“Fine. I consent.” 

He grinned. “Ok, I’ll be right back.” He kissed her lips before disappearing.

When he came back, he was holding a knife...his knife. She swallowed thickly. Perhaps giving unlimited consent to someone who had a knack for slicing people to death wasn’t the best decision she had ever made. 

He approached her and sat on the side of her bed. He held his knife in one hand and put his other in her hair as he kissed her. She felt the cold blade against her cheek, and she wanted to ask him to stop. But she told him that she trusted him--and she did. She just didn’t know if she liked this.

He continued to kiss her as he slid the cold blade down her sternum past her breasts and stopped at her mound. The cool sensation to her sensitive skin made her want to shiver, but she stayed as still as possible. He let the blade touch her thighs before breaking the kiss.

“You’re absolutely perfect, Teresa. I hope you know that.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Ray.”

“That’s true, but in my eyes, you’re as close to perfection as I’ve ever seen. You see me and my flaws, and you choose love anyway.”

“I did. I do.”

“I’m glad you did, but now, I have to punish you for hurting me. You took my ring off after I told you to never take it off.” 

“I did. I’m sorry.”

“You may be sorry, but I’m going to cut you.”

Her eyes went wide as he laughed. “Seriously?”

Just then, she felt the sharp blade puncture her thigh. “Owww!”

“Just a little knick for my bad girl.” He kissed her again as tears filled her eyes. 

He brought the blade up her belly again, sliding her wet blood with it. He began to massage her left breast with his hand as he continued the kiss. This time, he didn’t give her a warning as she felt a slight puncture under her breast. She gasped as the tears started to fall from her eyes. He wiped them away, never breaking the kiss to ask her if she was ok. That if anyone knew what they were doing, it was him, was a small comfort.

He placed his knife on the table before licking his fingers and bringing them to her clit. He rubbed without mercy. He wanted her to get wet and fast. 

“Teresa, I need you to look at me now. I have to tell you something before I untie you.”

She met his eyes. “What?”

“You took your punishment well, and I forgive you. I need you to know that when I untie you, I want to fuck you not because your pain aroused me but because your trust in me did. I could practically smell your fear when you saw my knife, but you chose to trust me because I would do right by you. I appreciate that, and well, it’s incredibly hot.”

He untied her restraints, and he pulled her up into his arms. Her legs fell over his and his arm tightened around her back as he thrust his hips up into hers. She met both his thrusts and his kisses. It didn’t take long for either of them to reach their release. 

After he pulled them both down on the mattress, they kissed and touched, professing their love to each other. She drew circles on his chest while he stroked her hair. 

“Thank you for letting me take care of that.”

“Just don’t think it’s something I’m going to agree to all the time.” Or ever again, really. She thought of how she’d just let Red John cut her. Not Red John. Ray. She loved him, and she loved how content he looked right now as he held her. The ease she found in giving into him frightened her a bit.

“I don’t think that, but you really put your trust in me. It meant a lot to me. I’ve always loved how you can see what I need.”

“Please. I’m terrible at it.”

“No, you think you’re terrible at it. You never had a man treat you well before, but you’ve had an entire lifetime of taking care of men well. You make me feel well taken care of.” Kiss. “Relaxed.” Kiss. “Rejuvenated even.” Kiss.

She laughed at him. “I love you, too. I need you to promise me something, Ray.”

He sighed. “I can’t promise that I won’t kill. It’s what you want to hear, but it would be a lie. I won’t lie to you.”

“That’s not the promise I want. I want you to promise that you will never involve our baby in it. I don’t want them to be a part of this. Ever.”

He took her face in his hands. “I can make that promise. We should get some salve on your little love bites.” He kissed her sweetly.

They both called out of work the next day and began making arrangements to move her belongings to his house.

About two weeks later, they got married. He told her that they could wait if she wanted; he only required her commitment. She didn’t want to wait until she was heavily pregnant to get married, and she preferred to be married before the baby came. Gale Bertram, of all people, officiated their wedding in front of a very small group of people. He even joked that it was the only way a CBI wedding should go with the Director officiating the proceedings, but she knew the truth of why Ray asked his friend to officiate. 

She invited Jane because she had to, which made her uneasy, but ultimately, he didn’t show. Ray got a kick out of inviting him in any case. She still tried to walk the line between the two of them, but some days, it was harder than others. Ray was right. She had a side, and it wasn’t Jane’s.


	8. Chapter 8

About ten months later…

Roxanne Juliet Haffner was born on Valentine’s Day. Ray joked that of course their little bundle of love would be born on a day dedicated to love. From the moment the nurse placed her daughter in her arms, she could tell that while Roxie definitely had all of the features of a Lisbon, she had her father’s piercing blue eyes. He always commented on how his daughter was just as beautiful as her mother.

Of course, he doted on her. He took tons of pictures of her. She hadn’t been to his office in a while, but she could almost guarantee it was covered in Roxie’s photos. He insisted on skin to skin contact time with her at least twice a day. She actually snapped a photo of them after he’d fallen asleep with her little body on his chest one Saturday afternoon. She planned to give it to him on Father’s Day. When it was possible, he sat next to them and held her little hand during her feedings. Though more than just doting on her, she knew it was also a strategy on his part. If she ever thought of leaving him, she’d have to contend with breaking a very strong father-daughter emotional bond among other things. Roxie wasn’t her daughter or his. She was their daughter.

Roxie would be three months old tomorrow, which meant that soon she would return to work. Being away from Roxie for 8-10 hours a day seemed like a nightmare scenario. Though, she was able to negotiate a deal where she wouldn’t have to travel out with the team and could be home with her family every night--thanks to Ray. Bertram was practically tripping over himself to make the CBI look friendly to working moms while earning himself a “get out of jail free” card. Though she had no idea what that really meant. She stayed well out of his business because she had no interest in it, and as he promised, he never put it in her face. Though, he did sometimes remind her that if she needed anything, she should tell him. Upon returning to work, she simply continued her work with her team, and Ray stayed out of her way.

She’d been back to work for three weeks now. They were making it work, but she missed Roxie terribly during the day. Every morning after she dropped her off at the daycare center around the corner from the CBI, she felt a million miles away from her sweet baby girl. She counted down the hours until she could sneak away and see her at lunch. 

Ray got up to change Roxie once more before they went to bed. When he got in bed, he said something that she missed because she was lost in thought.

“Penny for your thoughts, baby?”

“Just worried about Jane.” He was still a sore subject for them. She didn’t completely distrust, or hate, him the way that Ray wished she would. He was a wounded man, one who she was in no position to actually help anymore, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want his spirit at ease.

“What’s he doing? Running up the paperwork already?”

“No, he practically became a hermit when I was on leave. No one could get him to open up or share what he’s thinking.”

“He probably thinks he’s close to catching Red John. Really, he’s chasing his own tale.” While she didn’t doubt Ray’s feelings for her or Roxie, he had to realize what a gold mine he’d hit. He’d all but ensured his chances of never being caught.

“I’m worried.” 

“You’re not worried. You feel guilty.”

Jane was a bit more off than normal when she returned from leave. He’d taken to sticking to the attic in her absence, and even when she returned, he stayed in there day and night. He changed the lock himself on an irregular schedule and allowed no one in. 

“He’s lost his partner in this cause, and he doesn’t even know that.”

Ray shrugged his shoulders. “You still entertain him enough for him to remember how to put his shoes on the right foot. You’ve done more than enough for him. But that’s not what I’d like to talk about.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“I was wondering how soon might be too soon to start thinking about another baby.”

She coughed a bit. “What? Already bored with this one?”

He laughed. “Not at all. It’s just that we’re not getting any younger, and we’re far enough out now that there would be at least a year between Roxie and her brother or sister.”

“Are you sure you’re not from an Irish Catholic family?”

He smiled. “I’m not, but I just wanted to know what your thoughts are. We’ve never really talked about how large we want our family to be.”

“I honestly don’t know the answer to that, but I think we should consider what this means for my job.”

“Teresa, we’ve talked about this, you don’t have to work right now. I’ve got more than enough to support our family.” 

Over the last several months, she learned that he had several properties, accounts, investments, and major IOUs. She never planned to live off of any of it because she didn’t entirely like the idea of quitting her job. Being a cop still held purpose for her, even if her outlook on life was different now. 

“I know that you’ve said that, but I enjoy my job.”

“We both know that you still cry when you drop Roxie off.”

“Be that as it may, I like the independence and sense of fulfillment that my work brings me.”

“Look, this isn’t meant to be some patriarchy thing where I’m telling you that I want you to stay home, be barefoot, and pregnant. I just think it’s time that maybe you explore how your life has moved past the CBI and the opportunities that you have ahead. Of course, we both want more kids. Neither of us has said that we only wanted one. The question is how many more.”

“It’s funny how it’s my life that’s moved past the CBI. You want me to stop working with Jane. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

“I expressly said I didn’t want to talk about him, so I’m not sure how it’s related.”

“No, but you bring up me leaving the CBI in terms of having more kids. Of course, I want our family to grow. I am asking for some consideration for how that might affect the job...oh! It’s not about Jane. You want me sidelined.”

He groaned. “It’s for the best, Teresa. At least right now. Just trust me on that please. We can just take the time and let our family grow.”

“I’ve always been a cop. I thought we were clear on that before all of the other stuff.”

“And you can be again in a few years.”

“Ray, what’s going on?”

“Jane has been locked away in that attic trying to figure out who Red John is. He’s closing in on something. In any case, there’s going to be a showdown no matter who he lands on. It’s best if you’re off on family leave. Just for now, and like we’re both clear on, we do want at least one more baby.”

“Great. You officially know more about what Jane is up to than I do.” She knew of the little cat and mouse game they played, but it annoyed her shitless that her supposed partner never told her anything. At least Ray told her his plans.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t feel bad for being left out. I made his suspect list by the way. I doubt he suspects you, but he suspects me, so I do want you to be on alert around him.”

“Be on alert? You’re on his goddamn list, and you worry that he’s going to do something to me? Ray, he’s not going to do anything to me! I’m worried about you!” Ok, not even she fully believed that she was safe. She’d never been able to shake her fear that he might come for her and Roxie the way that Ray had gone after Angela and Charlotte. 

He pulled her into his chest and hugged her. “Hey now, don’t worry. It’s ok. I’m going to be fine, but I would like you to think seriously about my plan.”

She pulled back from his chest to meet his eyes. “Because it involves sex?”

“Well, that and I’d just rather not have you around the CBI right now. Don’t worry. You’re well protected. When I promised I’d never hurt you, that also meant never letting anyone else hurt you. If something does happen to me, you will have access to all of my properties and accounts for you and the kids. Let’s say if I have to catch a plane in a hurry, I have a way to make sure that you and the kids can get to me.”

“So you keep saying ‘kids,’ as in more than one.”

“I do.” He grinned at her like a little boy asking for a new puppy. She tilted her head to find his lips. He had her gown over head and seconds. Since Roxie was born, they’d been nothing if not efficient at this.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale!

Five months later…

It didn’t take much trying for Ray to get his desired result. She was exactly three months pregnant when she worked her last scheduled day at the CBI last month. They even threw her a going away party...that Jane couldn’t even be bothered to attend.

She had to go bang on his attic door to tell him that she was leaving the CBI. He simply responded “ok” and kept working. He was trapped in whatever madness he’d spun in that room and nothing else mattered. As Ray carried the rest of her personal items out for her, she felt like a weight of sorts was lifted from her shoulders. He and Jane had a falling out last month that she’d had to mitigate, and she was simply tired. They could fight whatever fight they wanted without her in the mix. She was happy to spend her days with Roxie now because she was quickly turning into a big girl.

She’d just put Roxie down for her morning nap when she heard a banging on the door. “Hold on!”

“Lisbon.” 

“Jane.” He looked incredibly haggard and not well put together at all. “Come in. Can I get you something to eat or drink?”

“No, thank you.” He was looking around as though he was searching the room. “Where’s Roxie?”

“I just put her down for her nap. Jane, what brings you by?”

“Oh, good.” He pulled a revolver out of his jacket. “I need to talk to you.”

“Jane, what the hell?”

“I think I’ve identified Red John.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “So tell the team! Why are you in my house, pointing a gun at me?”

He waved the gun. “Sit down. Please.” Frankly, she was over men telling her to sit down. She just shook her head and took a seat on her couch.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Haffner. He’s Red John. I need to know how much you know.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Haffner is Red John. Now, what do you know?”

She shook her head in a show of obvious belligerence. “You come into my house with a gun and accuse my husband of being Red John? Have you completely lost your fucking mind?”

“I need answers.”

“I know you do, but not like this. Think about what you’re doing. Naming a cop as Red John and threatening his family? Jane, I’m a civilian now, and my 8 month old daughter is upstairs in her crib. This is bad.”

“Just tell me what you know.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t know anything or why you think Ray is involved in this.” That wasn’t entirely a lie. She could confirm his suspicions, but she wasn’t giving him anything. 

“I know he killed Walkins in lock up. Did you help him?”

“No! And neither did Ray! I thought you believed some apprentice did that?”

“I did until I found out Ray was in the building that night and a few other things. He seems to be in a lot of places where things happen.”

“Because he works at the CBI? I really don’t understand what this projection is.”

“He’s in places, and then, there was his sudden interest in you.”

“His sudden interest in me? What does that even mean?”

“I don’t mean to be impolite, but it never added up why he chose a relationship with you. He fixated on you. It was meant to distract me, to throw me off of my game. It’s like he’s been maneuvering you like a chess piece.” He couldn't understand what Ray would want with a woman like her. 

“Maneuvering me like a chess piece? Do you think my life is meant as a distraction for you? Seriously, what is this about?”

“He knew that you were the only one who kept me focused and provided meaningful help. When you started seeing him, that went away. He did everything he could to sideline you.”

“I can’t even believe you right now. You’re jealous that I got married and started a life?”

“No, but I think you’ve been manipulated just like his other minions, and I want to understand the extent of the manipulation.”

“Ray has never manipulated me.”

“You wouldn’t see it for what it was, but think of the things deep down that didn’t make sense. Was this baby your idea? Leaving your job at the CBI?”

“It was a family decision.”

“He would want you to think that. Does he seem to present you with a lot of options and not a lot of real choices?”

“What are you doing? Playing at being a marriage counselor? You’re not doing a good job.”

“Lisbon...I’m not the best at this, but I am truly sorry. He drew you in because I wasn’t paying attention. He found a way to make the game more interesting, and you became the collateral. I think you know I’m right. He is Red John, and he has manipulated you into whatever this is. I don’t think you’ve ever done anything for him because he would’ve hit a brick wall asking you to commit a crime or help him with one. I will help you and your children when this is all over.” 

She looked outside when she heard Ray’s car pull into the driveway. Jane put the gun back in his pocket and calmly took a seat on the couch.

“Hey baby! Oh...Jane. What the hell are you doing here?”

He grinned. “Just visiting.”

She heard Roxie start to stir on the monitor. “I’m going to go check on Roxie.”

Jane nodded as Ray looked on in curiosity. She barely made it up the stairs before she wanted to let out a sob. She needed to warn Ray, but she didn’t know how. She tried to remain calm, realizing that he would figure it out quickly. She grabbed Roxie out of her crib and held her tight to her chest. He said “when this was over.” He meant to kill Ray. He always said he’d kill Red John. She couldn’t lose him.

She heard Ray shout. “Get out of my house now!”

“I know you killed my wife and daughter!”

They kept arguing and the stress made her tears start to fall. She kissed Roxie’s forehead and sat her back down in her crib. Quietly, she walked to their bedroom. She cried as she punched the numbers to the lock box in. She never wanted this, and she still didn’t. As the two men continued shouting, she used their volume to cover her soft padding down the stairs, one stair at a time. Without a warning, she fired off a round, hitting Jane square in the chest. He fell to the ground as her tears continued to fall down her face. Ray stared at her for a moment before motioning for to come join him.

Jane lay on the ground gasping for ragged breaths. She knew that sound meant that it wouldn’t be long now. Ray leaned over him. “Jesus, what the hell did you say to her? Come here, Teresa.”

She just stood and watched from the bottom of the stairs. “We should call for help.”

“No!” Ray shouted at her. “Let him die.”

“He needs help.”

Ray laughed. “He’ll be dead before they get here. Just come here.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to Jane. He obviously wanted her to watch with him, but she couldn’t. She wanted to vomit. “By the way, you guessed correctly. I am the man they call Red John, but I am curious about why dear, sweet Teresa would shoot you center mass. I mean, look at her. She’s sobbing over shooting you. It’s not something she wanted to do, so what was it?”

“You...manip...made her...d-do it.”

“What’s that? I manipulated her?” He chuckled. “See, that’s the funniest thing Jane. You think that the world revolves around you and your shitty life drama. You never take the time to wake up and smell the roses. I never manipulated Teresa. I never had to. Look at how upset she is! She’s not a killer, she’s never wanted to be one, and I would’ve never even tried to make her one. Yet, you just made her one. You threatened my life, didn’t you? Told her you’d kill me. Probably even fed her some line about how you’d make sure that she and the kids were looked after. That was the wrong move, pal. She loves me. You know, it’s the kind of love where she’s absolutely loyal to me. She trusts me. I don’t think your Angela could say the same, could she? I’ll tell you a few secrets in the time we have left…”

“Please. I don’t want to watch this.”

Ray kissed the side of her head. “It’s ok. I don’t want to upset you. You can go upstairs with Roxie if you want, but I need your phone first. You did a good job protecting our family. Now, let me do my part.”

She handed him her phone. She heard Jane wheeze out the words “not your fault” before she turned and ran up the stairs. She couldn’t take anymore, and all she wanted to do was hold her daughter. She picked Roxie up and held her tightly to her chest as she sat in the rocking chair. She’d recently become obsessed with her mama’s hair, so she grabbed a few fistfuls of it here and there.

She can’t say how long they sat there until Ray came up the stairs. It was definitely after dark. There was time to call for help, but he didn’t want her to call for help because it would lead to too many questions. She wasn’t naive. She was sorry she’d killed him. Jane came to her looking for help and a redemption of sorts. Not only had she failed him, but she ended his life--not Red John.

“Gale is coming to help me clean. He’s bringing some burgers and cokes for dinner. I will need you to put your clothes and Roxie’s clothes in a trash bag for me. Both of you should bathe.” 

As soon as Roxie heard her daddy, she reached out for him to pick her up. He kissed the top of her head without touching her. “Not now, baby girl. Daddy will be here later.” 

“So I owe you now? How does this work?”

He scoffed as he ran his thumb along her jawline and tilted her head up toward him. “You’re my wife. Even if you didn’t just shoot him to protect me--to protect us--you’d owe me nothing. Do you want to talk about it?”

She shrugged. “I killed someone. Not a lot to talk about, is there?”

“I meant, do you want to tell me what he said? “

“Basically, he said that he didn’t blame me. He said that I was being manipulated and that you used our relationship as a way to take him off of his task. He said that I was collateral and that when this was over, he’d look after me and the kids.”

He knelt in front of her. “Do you think any of that’s true?”

“I don’t know.” 

He kissed her lips. “You do. You’ve always been able to see me. We have two pieces of proof sitting between us. You remained loyal to our family. I love you, Teresa.”

She swallowed the bile rising in her throat. Just like always, they fought and she existed somewhere in the middle, trying to understand the little slither of gray area that existed between the two of them. Though, she supposed she didn’t have to worry about that gray area anymore.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks going on this journey with me! If you felt the ending was a little flimsy and up to interpretation, then I successfully did my job!


End file.
